Forest Hills doesn't get SeamlessWeb, and Takeout Connection is a limited resource. Luckily (maybe?) what we do have are takeout menus a-plenty.

Nary a day has passed where the Golden Orb of Ra has descended beneath the horizon without my return home to be greeted, like an enthusiastic puppy, by a new menu; hardly a week has evolved from caffeinated weekstart to sauced weekend without finding my lobby carpeted by free delivery (minimum $15) options. So many menus. Who's to know which ones to trust over the others? Who's good, who's bad? Who's slow, who's fast? These are the necessary questions that need answering for game nights, poker nights, Blockbuster nights, hangovers, double-shifts, PMS, Dr. Who marathons, sheer laziness or any other time when you and cooking don't mix.

And thus have I decided to take the closest Chinese takeout places to my abode in a no-holds-barred cage match to the death. Each takeoutery will be graded (A to F, like in school) by the taste of their dishes. Delivery time, cost, and snarkiness on the phone will be noted. None of them are more than a five minute moped ride away. The food will all be generic and popular dishes and I will attempt to order the exact same thing from each restaurant. Nothing fancy, so don't go asking about the pan seared octopus dumplings or the whole red bass fillets grilled Cantonese style.

Delivery Time: 54 minutes... don't be hungry when ordering.
Attitude: Sleepy. I'm almost positive that the girl answering the phone passed out from boredom while taking my order.
Cost: $20.05 plus tip.

Wonton Soup: B (6)
Egg Roll: B+ (7)
Sesame Chicken: A (9)
Beef with String Beans: B (6)
Pork Fried Rice: A (9)
Chicken Lo Mein: B+ (7)

Overall Thoughts: I've never ordered from Feng's Garden before this experiment and was pleasantly surprised. The soup was too salty and the wontons were too doughy, but I liked the smokeyness of the lo mein and the fried rice was incredible. The beef was... meh.

GREAT WALL
104-37 Queens Boulevard
Forest Hills, NY 11375
(718) 275-2255
Visa/MC

Overall Thoughts: The soup was just awful. I forced it down because I paid for it. They screwed up my order, so they're losing points there. Beyond that, most of the dishes were pretty mediocre. The wonton soup, especially, which tasted like it was in a beef broth. The sesame chicken was good though. The chicken with snow peas was also not bad, I just didn't order it. They take credit cards, which is nice.

HANG SHING KITCHEN
104-09 Metropolitan Avenue
Forest Hills, NY 11375
(718) 793-1550
cash only

Overall Thoughts: Is it HANG Shing, or HING Shing? The signage says one thing, the menu another. They're damn fast, so if you've got your 420 on and need some food to arrive yesterday, this place should be on your short list. Hang/Hing is also among the cheapest of the bunch and have the best special: any $15 order gets you dumplings or General Tso's Chicken or... I got the dumplings, which weren't bad. Too bad I can' t say the same for the rest of the meal. The entire meal tasted like it was burned to a degree, like it was picking up the char from meals past. I swear I tasted fish in the lo mein.

KING WOK
108-29 Ascan Avenue
Forest Hills, NY 11375
(718) 263-3900
Cash Only

Delivery Time: 40 minutes on a rainy night.
Attitude: Not bad.
Cost: $19.44 plus tip.

Wonton Soup: A- (8)
Egg Roll: B (6) Sesame Chicken: B (6)
Beef with Snow Peas: A- (8)
Pork Fried Rice: B (6)
Chicken Lo Mein: B+ (7)

Score: 41/60
***



Delivery Time: 25 minutes... very quick
Attitude: Pissy. Seriously, this woman was not in a good mood.
Cost: $16.93 plus tip

Wonton Soup: A (9)
Egg Roll: B- (5)
Sesame Chicken: A (9)
Beef with Snow Peas: B- (5)
Pork Fried Rice: C- (2)
Chicken Lo Mein: B+ (7)

Score: 37/60
***



Delivery Time: 38 minutes.
Attitude: Very nice guy on phone.
Cost: $18.34 plus tip.

Wonton Soup: B (6)
Egg Roll: B+ (7)
Sesame Chicken: B+ (7)
Beef with String Beans: B- (5)
Pork Fried Rice: B- (5)
Chicken Lo Mein: B+ (7)

Score: 37/60
***

RED HOUSE KITCHEN
71-47 Yellowstone Boulevard
Forest Hills, NY 11375
(718) 261-5601/2497
Visa/MC

Delivery Time: 33 minutes
Attitude: Pleasant and chipper.
Cost: $19.10 plus tip

Wonton Soup: B (6) Broth meh, wontons good
Egg Roll: A (9)
Sesame Chicken: A (9)
Beef with Snow Peas: B- (5)
Pork Fried Rice: A (9)
Chicken Lo Mein: A (9)

Score: 47/60
***



Delivery Time: 41 minutes.
Attitude: Deaf. Can you hear me now?!?
Cost: $18.40 plus tip.

Wonton Soup: A (9)
Egg Roll: B (6)
Sesame Chicken: A (9)
Beef with Snow Peas: A (9)
Pork Fried Rice: B (6)
Chicken Lo Mein: B (6)

Score: 45/60
***